I wish I could clean my brain out

[MessOfMarbles]

I wish I had a virus protection system for my brain. I'm sick of all these pop-up ads. (That's a metaphor I use for the OCD thoughts. The more you click out of them, the more come up...)

I want to clean out my head and function normally.

This is so stupid. To some degree I feel very thankful because no longer do I usually feel quite like I am living in "Hell on earth". But I still wonder what it's like to not have these obsessions...

But wondering doesn't do any good.

I had a sort of breakthrough, I guess. I take a step back and realize I have the same thoughts over and over again, there is nothing new that goes through my brain, and yet it seems like I'm having a profound revelation each time ("I AM bad", "Oh wow, I know this time I WILL get sick because..."). It's actually a little eerie. How it always disguises itself as something new when it's the EXACT SAME THING.

I hate triggers and spikes but I have to accept they'll happen in life, and I want to be able to see them as an opportunity to overcome my OCD. It's hard though. I want so badly to confess my life away. Confess confess confess. Clean clean clean. I feel dirty all the time, in heart, soul, body and mind.

But I've realized that it's really true... That there isn't necessarily a right answer to whether or not I should confess things. At least, it's pointless to try to figure it out, because I will always doubt myself all over again. Even if I did do something bad enough that I should confess it (for either the first or hundredth time), all I can do is consider the impact it will have. If I confess things to him, will it change anything for the better? Will it help or enlighten us in some way? Or will it just cause more problems? Will it just destroy us more? Will it just hurt him when that's unnecessary?

And if the answer is yes, I know not to confess. Even if my brain screams at me that I'm bad and that I need to confess, and that I'm not pure, and that I'm "living a lie" and all that crap... I'll never know for sure. So, I must work with what I DO know.

I DO know that if I confess the same thing yet again, I'm putting strain on those I care about. I know that if I confess something I did 6 years ago, I'm just making myself sicker. I know that there are no longer any relevant consequences to mistakes I made a long, long time ago... and that if I try to force it to be relevant, I'm only creating problems that didn't need to be there...

That is what I know. I don't know if I really did everything my conscience is telling me I might have done. I don't know if I'm bad or good. I don't know if I deserve him or not. I don't know if I ever "made the last confession clear, and therefore I must reclarify it just in case". I don't know any of this crap.

All I know is that if I keep confessing, things will get WORSE. Not better. WORSE.

That's a big realization for me.

[Christian73]

I totally get where you coming from. I've often thought that I'd love to be able to scrub my brain of all the OCD thoughts and bull****.

But I think your realization is a big one. I used to think that I didn't have any rituals, but I was confessing and asking for reassurance a lot. So getting to the point where you realize that this is a manifestation of your OCD and that by denying it, you can get better, is a big step.

[Pearl]

Confessing to my mum and my grandma is definitely one of my main rituals. It's so hard to sit with the anxiety, but it's what I've had to do lately to give myself some reprieve. I’ve found that the less I confess, the less frequency at which the thoughts and anxiety hit. And I feel stronger for it. I know how uncomfortable having the thoughts is, but it’s part of our illness. But thoughts don’t make you a bad person.

I reckon that most OCD sufferers, particularly those with the Pure-O form, have high morals and standards, which is why there seems to be a common theme of being ‘bad’. That what the community psychiatric nurse has said about me, in any case.

[Constant]

I too, completely understand. I often daydream about pressure washing the cracks of my brain.

As for the confessing...I try to choose a length of time in the future (usually one week) that I will not confess within, no matter what.
Often by the time the window is up I no longer feel the need to confess that topic. It often turns into something else but I feel like it is a good start.

[Constant]

I too, completely understand. I often daydream about pressure washing the cracks of my brain.

As for the confessing...I try to choose a length of time in the future (usually one week) that I will not confess within, no matter what.
Often by the time the window is up I no longer feel the need to confess that topic. It often turns into something else but I feel like it is a good start.

[hugbear3129]

I know this sounds totally wacky and to me 6 months ago I would have been saying he has no clue what he is talking about. I had real bad rocd and always searching obsessively for lost things, magical cure for me anyway was meditation. I never ever thought I would say such a thing thinking its way too alternative, but oh my god the difference and when i get awful thought, and I do, I meditate and try to clear my mind of thoughts. Its not easy at first but eventually the clearing the mind of thoughts becomes a real beautiful thing, good luck

[PurelyObsessional]

Sometimes I wish I had no obsessions at all, and to be the same person I was before OCD came into my life. I find it hard to concentrate on doing something sometimes... all because of my continuous thinking.
Speaking of "confessing"... I had this ritual as well, but I tried not to do it for some time, and it improved my tolerance to OCD thoughts.

[Zorro]

Originally Posted by PurelyObsessional

Sometimes I wish I had no obsessions at all, and to be the same person I was before OCD came into my life.

Hey PO. I understand that whilst you are going about dealing with ocd you wish you could turn back the clock (as I think everyone does at some stage)

But you don't want to be the person you used to be. That person is what caused your ocd to develop. When you learn to deal with ocd and all that comes with acheiving this, you come out of it a new and improved person

[KarenM]

I love that J.L. I'm certaintly a new person and I know I'll never go back to the "old" me. People used to say I was just "crazy" and "impulsive". It was all ocd related, even when I didn't know I had it. I was always on some rollercoaster ride with my brain leading the way. I have all these tools now that I never had. I've learned to slow down, be in the moment, let go of control, separate from my thoughts, turn around my negative thoughts, and take my life day by day. I've learned that many of my rituals are not helpful to me and I'm so proud of myself for not doing them. I hope everyone on this site will learn that they come out of this a better, more mindful, compassionate, and more present person. It's a tough journey but we can all get there.