OCD and new motherhood - my story

[OCDMomma]

Hi everyone,

I am 29 years old and a new mother to a gorgeous 10 week old daughter. On the outside I have a lot going for me but I am suffering and have been for the better part of my life, with obsessive compulsive disorder, however I was only diagnosed a few weeks ago.

When I was about 25 weeks there was an incident at my work when I became really hot, due to being overdressed, fan heaters running fall blast, a number of factors. Coincidentally on this same day my baby decided not to kick or move for seven hours. At the time I thought it strange and couldn't kick the thought that something was wrong. I rang a nurses hotline that night and was told by the nurse that perhaps I had some kind of fever that day, which was why the baby didn't move..... This seemingly insignificant even triggered a downward spiral into severe depression and anxiety,

I started googling ('researching') what I had done to my baby, I consider myself a smart person (two years into a Phd) so it never occurred to me that I was unable to take things in their proper context. I tried to work otu why my baby did not move and came to the conclusion she had suffered a hypoxic ischemic incident, or at the very least hypoxia, and was now brain damaged as a result. I 'researched' at least five hours a day, if not more. I also went to doctors two or three times a week, visited my ob/gyn weekly and rang the midwives at my hospital multiple times a week seeking reassurance that my baby was okay. My ob/gyn labelled me a 'worrier', while my doctor's office just considered me a pain in the butt.

It took probably a good month of this obsessing (where I got to the point of planning my suiciide after the baby's birth, knowing I could not live with the guilt of what I had done) for a doctor to suggest I see a psychologist. I was shocked! then I thought they probably were just wanting me to go visit a psych so I could come to terms with the horrible things I had done. I figured the doctors who told me my daughter was fine were only saying it cos it was too late to have an abortion anyway, or they didn't have all the facts, or whatever reason my warped brain came up with.

I started seeing a psychologist, a young lady who turned out to be rather useless in my opinion. I was wearing the clothes I wore on that day really frequently, even when hot, because my ob/gyn had told me it was impossible to overheat the baby so long as your wrists and neck was not covered, because women had babies in really hot climates while wearing hijabs etc etc. So yeah, I started overdressing even in hot weather in order to convince myself I did not do the horrible thing I thought I had done. When I told my psych about what I was doing she told me it was 'exposure therapy' and a good thing. How the hell is a pregnant woman trying to overheat a good thing!

Fast forward to the end of my pregnancy. My baby is diagnosed as having Intra-uterine growth restriction and I have to be induced. My daughter is born after a long horrible labour at 5 pounds 8 ounces, or 2.495 kilograms and by all accounts she is healthy. I feel unbalanced but manage to cope because I am surrounded by people in hospital.

When I am home I do not cope. At a few weeks old I end up with my daughter in ER because I perceive her having a fit she did not have. I look up the symptoms of cerebral palsy and see them in my daughter. When she arches her back from wind I perceive it as CP, it is horrible. Even on the days when I am 'good' I think 'she is only mildly retarded, but not from, being at work but being hot in the car'. I think about how I ruined her life with my stupidity, how she will suffer because of me, and the guilt paralyses me.

A few weeks ago I end up in a psychiatric unit in hospital and it is there I am diagnosed with having an obsessional disorder. I am home now and taking seroquel and lovan to try and slow down my thought patterns and allow me to get my OCD under control. However I am frightened and feel very isolated. I look forward to hearing your stories and getting your support.

I want to get through this, I was to enjoy my daughter for the lively, precious girl that she is, and not be paralysed with guilt and fear. As recently as TODAY I googled causes of brain damage in pregnancy and CP symptoms. Please share with me so I don't feel so alone.

OCDMomma

[OCDMomma]

Previous to my official diagnosis I have suffered from OCD. I have always catastrophised every situation and spent copious amounts of time thinking about the worst case scenario in every situation I have been in in order to protect myself from this outcome ('magical thinking'). I used to always check the car before and after I drove to check for dents from the people I ran over, I was afraid to post things on the net for fear of people stealing my identity, I used to shower five or six hours a day.... How it took so long for me to be diagnosed I have no idea!

[Horrible]

Hey OCDMomma, Welcome to SIAD. Goggleing can be a very bad thing for us with OCD. We tend to always think the worst, then research it. This puts alot of stress and anxiety on us. I would try to avoid google for these purposes. I hope with your medication and therapy that i hope you will get, you can beat OCD. You will find members of the site to be helpful and supportive.

H

[KarenM]

My ocd really flared up right after my second son was born. Check out postpartumdepressionyuku. there's a section on ocd. You will get through this, girl. We are here for you. You will come out the other end a stronger, happier person. My first piece of advice would be to stay OFF the internet. It will fuel your obsessive thoughts. Do EVERYTHING you can to stay off. Your little girl is fine.

[Jak]

I do the same thing with google. I think the thoughts that I have make me a future serial killer so I do a lot of research on killers and mass murder spree killers. Then I try to find a disorder that is very severe and try and diagnose myself. At times I am convinced that I am a sociopath.

You do the same thing but for your daughter. The best thing you can do is ask someone close to you if they think that whatever you think fits in that given situation. Like if you think your daughter has CP, ask someone that will not be judgmental, if they think the symptoms fit. They will then reassure you, as many times that you need, that the symptoms don't fit.

Hope this helps and good luck! Congrats on baby girl btw!