I am getting myself into a mess with this H-OCD

[BlueTaylor]

Well i am using the internet to reasure myself all the time, i know this is bad but i just cant stop! I dont want to be gay! (i dont have anything towards gay people) I now seem not to get the "am i gay" thoughts as much now. Its more like when i look at any man..."do i get a reaction downstairs"

sometimes i can feel like a slight groinal twinge and that then sends me into abit of panic! Is this just the mind playing tricks on me?

[confunded]

Blue taylor
I would advise not checking for a response, and if one comes without checking pay no mind. You can't control your body or what it does, and with OCD I would say anything is possible.

My advice: expect a twinge, or an erection even, and try not to search for a meaning. Keep looking continuously. Searching for a meaning is a compulsion, and will only make the ideas stronger and feelings more urgent.

Expose yourself, OBSERVE and describe the situation. And then move on. DO NOT think about it.
THat is what ERP is, training your brain NOT to react.
Did you know, arousal can be a conditioned response? there are many possibilities for that feeling.

[HighonLife]

I used to have that too, It freaks you out but it's not important. First week when I had the thoughts I really thought, this is it, I'm turning gay. I confessed to my girlfriend (we are together 15 years). All the old memories of me dressing up in my moms dress(once) to my grandma telling me I shouldn't go sleepover with my friend cuz that's gay (yeah, my granny had some issues). All those memories came back to me trying to convince me I was gay from the start. I read something about you are not gay unless you are in love with a man -> BAM my mind tries to convince me I'm in love with one of my best friends. It seemed everywhere I looked there was something gay to freak me out. But I always felt anxious and horrible and I didn't want to believe it. I started reading and was crying of joy when I found out about ocd, but it didn't stop then it was just temporary relief. I learned to accept my thoughts as just thoughts nothing more and then it started to get better and better. I seriously don't have any intrusive thoughts about being gay anymore. From time to time some other ****ed up **** crosses my mind, but not the gay stuff. What I did notice about myself is that I'm a lot more openminded about gays. I used to believe people can turn gay because of some influence or something, now I believe you are born gay,hetero or bi. It may be odd but once my ocd jumped to another fear I kinda looked through it, and realize it's all the same mechanism just different fear. Accepting everything is very helpful and believing your thoughts don't make you who you are.

Take care !

[BlueTaylor]

thanks guys for the help! Its really good to see some people who have actully experianced what i am going through and have got over it! (i cant wait for it to happen, just to go back to the way i was in love with my GF and so happy)

I read on sites that meaning you get a twinge or errection MEANS THAT YOU ARE GAY! -> Bam My mind starts to think this!

Just like Highonlife said - "I read something about you are not gay unless you are in love with a man -> BAM my mind tries to convince me I'm in love with one of my best friends"

I know that i am not, i couldnt get myself into a situation with another man it would knock me sick! But my mind tells me otherwise "im just scared" "stop fighting it" "try it first and see" etc. I have a gay friend who tells me that i am not and we can have a laugh about it. He tells me that he can tell with his "gaydar" that i am not lol he also tells me that you know from a young age you are different or atleast different from the crowd and people seem ot go through school/college knowing that they are but are in the closet! like he knew he was different froma young age and nearly every other person he can think off) So with me having no such thoughts before and then suddenly waking up 1 day with the thought "am i gay" and not being able to shrug it off for getting onto 3months, there must be somehting wrong upstairs!

I have not been properly diagnosed with OCD as of yet because my GP is still testing me for other things and getting me taking all sorts of things. I personally feel i am going through OCD as many of you guys will agree with me as you have ecperianced what i am going through! - thanks! I am back at my GP sometime next week to tell her how these last lots of meds have helped me personally they have calmed me down...stopped the panicing, stopped myself getting into a state where i heave etc. But the thoughts are still there!

Is there anything i could do myself while the doctor is trying all sorts of things?

thanks sorry about the long message!

"I know that i am not, i couldnt get myself into a situation with another man it would knock me sick!"

Right here, you are rationalizing it. Rationalizing the thought is just as dangerous as reassurance. Just accept the uncertainty. It's hard to do. So when you gay friend says your not gay, how long does that put you at ease? A couple hours, a day or so...And then bam, you get another spike. Reassurance is just a round and round circle for OCDers.

[confunded]

its ok Taylor!
Well, first off I would recommend Dr. Jonathan Graysons book "Freedom from Obessive Compulsive Disorder". Its a very good book, and has useful self help tools that will be of great help in your therapy sessions. You could start a hierarchy of exposures or things that scare your surrounding this topic and bring it to your GP. Maybe also write down your thoughts, if you have the courage! That was a huge obstacle for me, I felt if it was in writing it must be true. I can now write these ideas out.

I know I can't control how my body reacts. Some days I feel nothing as a groinal response, and some days it feels so intense. I am choosing to give this no credit, no merit. Its harder some days than others. But I know when I acknowledge the feeling, accept its presence and DON'T wish it away, I feel much stronger, and clearer minded.

Your thoughts are not you. IN fact, contrary to popular belief I think the idea os "soul searching" is proposterous, as you are who you are, and you are your choices in that moment. Our true selves are present when we are absent of thought and full of action.

"Nothing is good nor bad, Thinking makes it so.."- Hamlet
- what i find interesting, is I wrote this in my grade 12 year book as my quote... 2 years before the onset of my OCD.

I wanted to add something. When I told my husband about the gay thoughts that I had, he looked me in the eye, and said, "YOU ARE NOT GAY." Surely that would have given me the proof that I wasn't, right??? Nope, I felt better for a couple hours, but bam, I was back to square one the next day, and panicing. You don't have to accept that the thought is true, accept the possibilty of it being true. Once you stop trying to get all the answers to the questions you are having, the more the questions will disappear.

[BlueTaylor]

yes you guys are exactly right with the reasurrance thing! It lasts for a few hours maybe even for the rest of the day, but the following morning back to the thinking...

Since i first posted earier on today, i have been feeling alot better, like i have got something off my chest, lifted a big weight and just needed to get it out and talk! but i guess this is just the reasurrance that has kicked in and in the morning or maybe later on tonght back to square 1

i wish there was a pill or somethig that i oculd take and all of a sudden i forgot it would vanish

[corrie270]

blue taylor, i am also a blue taylor because my sername is taylor lol (thats irrelivant i know!!!) ... basically, im going through the exact same thing as you (except im a girl!) and am always questioning if i am gay or not, analysing how different girls make me feel and if i have a physical reaction to the way they look, and if i do, what does it mean???

the people who have been giving you advice on here talk a lot of sence and since ive been speaking to them, ive FINALLY BEGAN to see a light at the end of this horrible tunnel... ive felt less anxious when i dont let myself react to the thoughts and actually ive felt really empowerd every time ive ignored one, like ''YES!!! you cant have controle over me SUCKERRR!!'' ... i cant remember who told me to write down an imaginary story of my worst fear (becoming gay) but i did it, and it really helped! i wrote down something like ''so im in a club and this girl comes over to dance with me and actually i really like the look of her, so we dance some more and things get a bit closer, and suddenly im kissing her and i really like it!! so i flirt with her a bit more, end up going back to her house... fumbled around, and it was AMAZING... so i guess that means im gay, but i dont mind... cos i REALLY like this girl'' ... at first writing this, almost made me feel sick... i kept relating myself to it and trying to work out how i would feel... but now it actually doesnt seem scary at all, and you know, if that actually happend (ya never know!) then i guess if i really did like her, i wouldnt mind! so really, i have nothing to worry about and dont need to care about who i like or dont!

the thoughts are only thoughts and your imagination is only your imagination, it can only come to life if YOU want it to, or you make it come to life... and if you dont want it to come to life, then it wont.

the thing is, you need to accept (as i am trying to) that you never know if your guna fall for a guy one day (or a girl in my case) and if you did, you wouldnt mind because you'd welcome those feelings... nothing is ever as scary as it seems... there are far worse things in life than becoming gay (not that you will!!) and even those things are lived through...

basically, our problem is not our sexuality, its how well deal with and process the thoughts... i think the exposure thing is working for me so far, so i'd suggest having a go. its not about getting rid of the thoughts, because everyone in the world has them, straight or gay... its about accepting them and not letting them worry or confuse you into a state of panic like us OCD people do!

you'll be ok and i really beleieve you'll get out of this vicious circle... and i will too!! but it does take time, so dont expect it to happen over night.

Wow Corrie...It sounds like you are doing great. That's amazing! KICK OCD'S BUTT!!!