"Testing" Yourself...PLEASE HELP

[Kaye39487*]

Hey Guys -

So, my ocd, which has taken all manner of forms over the past 3 years, has recently jumped into harm ocd. I am TERRIFIED that I am going to strangle my cat. So terrified, in fact, that sometimes I just sit and put my hands around her neck and apply light pressure, just to test and make sure I wouldn't do it, I guess...of couse all this does is FREAK ME OUT more and I end up even more terrified. Is this normal? I feel like a monster. I love my cat soooooo much and would never do anything to hurt her.

[jaruro1]

That's certainly normal OCD behavior, you want to convince yourself that you won't harm your cat so you "test" yourself to see if it is at all possible to "push" yourself into "giving all the way in". Of course, it isn't, so you feel a little better, until time passes and you lose confidence again. So it's normal and harmless compulsive behavior, but definitely not helpful to your condition.

The only way you'd actually strangle your cat is if you made a rational, thought-out decision to do so. Whatever reason you'd have for doing it would have to be more important than your cat's well-being. If you were a sadistic animal killer you'd probably do it easily (and seeing as how you're so terrified about it, you're obviously not one; sadistic animal killers don't feel a thing and certainly don't worry about it), but seeing as you love your cat and there's no even remotely good reason for you to strangle her, you're not going to.

I know this sounds kind of academic, but I've had plenty experience with this sort of thing and I'm absolutely confident that it's the case. If you find it hard to believe me, try sitting in the same room with your cat for extended periods of time and see if you'll do anything.

[Cortlea]

It is perfectly normal to "test yourself" with ocd but it doesnt help the situation. Like I used to have the what if im gay ocd and i would think of me in situations that are gay and see if i liked the thought. of course i didnt and it only gave me anxiety because my mind was like oh yes you did like it. so yeah it didnt really help. Now i have the "what if i already have cheated on my boyfriend and just dont remember" obsession so I have these thoughts come into my head of me doing this with people i know and I have to test them and see if they are true, a lot of times they feel real but i finally realize they arent and i will be finished ruminating for a few minutes, but it only returns strong the next time. So basically we have to stop testing our thoughts and rumination to get better. easier said than done my friend.

[Kaye39487*]

Thank you so much guys...your words have really helped me and now I've stopped the testing. I have an awful time of it and there's no real therapy offered where I live (I couldn't afford it anyways, being a college student). I can get Zoloft through counseling and wellness services at school, which I do in addition to a weekly therapy session, but I would hardly call the school therapist trained to handle OCD. Thanks again for the help!

[Cortlea]

I know how you feel. Im in college too, and I cant afford therapy. I have that available at my college too but i am not going there because i dont wanna be mislead by someone not well trained enough. Good luck

[jaruro1]

Yeah, I'm in college too, and can't really afford therapy...I go to the school therapist and it's free, but I've actually decided to stop going because I find that it hasn't been very helpful at all.

I know it's hard and even torturous sometimes but hang in there...when the dust settles things will get better eventually.

[Kaye39487*]

OMG guys...I'm soooo in the thick of awfulness right now. My panic/anxiety are temporarily increased since I'm going through an adjustment period (I JUST went back on zoloft, it's like, day 4). I am freaking out...there are moments when it really feels like I am going to do it....is this normal? I am sooooo scared.

[yellowdaisy]

The thick of awfulness is not a fun place to be in, but I think you have good perspective about it. You know you are only temporarily going through this increase of anxiety and panic AND you realize that you are going through an adjustment period. Trust yourself on what you know, and remember this is OCD. You aren't going to do something you don't want to do. I so empathize with the feeling of freaking out and being scared. It is an awful feeling. But remember, it is just a feeling and the feeling doesn't mean something is really going to happen. I have to remind myself about this constantly. My brain knows the right stuff, but the connection hasn't quite been made very well with my feelings. Its a process. Hugs to you.

[Kaye39487*]

Here it comes again. I was doing GREAT for like a week, I'm newly on SSRIs and feeling much better. However, I was recently reading "Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer, and he was describing a situation in which he was actually concerned about a patient hurting others...this patient would test himself by standing in his parents doorway while they were sleeping and pointing an air rifle at them. He also said that this patient didn't seem bothered enough by the thoughts and that he seemed to harbor ill-will towards various people. How can I know that I'm different than this guy? I'm freaking out again!!!! Obviously placing my hands around my cat's neck causes me EXTREME TERROR, and I've only done it like 3 times, and not for a week now...but I'm freaking out. I need reassurance. I told my therapists about the behavior and they do not seem concerned, but they are school therapists, not highly trained. Please help!

[jaruro1]

Aw man...that sounds torturous. Well, I haven't read Imp of the Mind, but based on your description, I don't think he should have included that example of that patient. I think that guy has more than OCD; there are probably serious signs of aggression and lack of remorse that wouldn't exist in someone who is freaking out like crazy such as you. I don't know why that guy "tests" his thoughts , but most likely if this guy was actually a concern for causing harm to others, he probably enjoys the "testing" and isn't very worried.