Obsession is back again...

[Sparkle]

Hi there,

At the moment I feel so low again. Since my breakdown in February 2009 I have this disturbing "what if" thinking.
Firstly I wondered if I have cheated on my bf. After my friends reassured me, that nothing happened, my obsession changed and I wondered if I have caught HIV. I went to the doctor and was tested negative. My relief lasted one hour and suddenly another thought popped into my head. I wondered if I had sex with the cat from my bf. This thought felt so familiar. At the beginning I only worried, if I might have caught FIV from the cat. After I recognized, that this is not possible, I realised that I must be a pervert. This thought made me so sick that I´ve tried to commit suicide. But it didn´t work and I went into a hospital for 14 weeks.
During my time in hospital my obessions changed very fast and at least I was convinced that I have killed someone when I was a child and repressed the memory. The obsession with the cat was still there, but it felt not so important because I thought it is much worser to be a murderer than to be a pervert. After I got released from the hospital the thought about the murder suddenly went away and the thought with the cat was back again. So I spent 10 hours a day, 7 days a week surfing the internet. I just wanted to proof my "memory" wrong. After some weeks I found out, that my cat memory must be wrong, but then it changed and the scenario went much worse. And I just couldn´t stop thinking about it, and every time I thought about this "memory" it went worser and worser. And I confessed to my family and my bf that I might be a pervert and they reassured me I´m not. But it didn´t help. 4 weeks ago I had some importants tests at university and the last 2 months I spent studying. My dr also started to change my medication to anafranil and I began to feel really good. I really started to feel normal again.
But now I´ve finished my tests and I´m in the semester break at the moment. And I have nothing to do. I try to find a job, but it´s not so easy. And suddenly this cat thought/memory is back again. And I feel so guilty about it. I feel like a pervert and a pedophile, because I wonder if I have abused the cat, when it was only 10 months old. And I feel the urge to confess to my bf again. Because at the moment I don´t know, if I have already told him that I might be a pedophile. I know that it makes no sense to confess again, but I believe he should know that his gf might be a pedophile.
And again I feel the need to go into the thought, to check if it feels real. And I do this pretty often and it still feels so real. I don´t know why all the other worries/thoughts went away and this one got stuck in my head. And I worry why it felt so real when it first came to me. Even though the scenario has changed several times and I think that I have constructed this scenario in my head until I couldn´t proof it wrong anymore. There is this nagging feeling of guilt and this voice in my head that tells me, it did happen! I hate myself so much.
Sorry, my English is not so good.

[ShadowSong]

I understand your concern but you need to know that our brain is powerful in both ways.It keep all memory what we did but it also change the memory.Let's say,You have a dream about x.You woke up and try to remember the dream,you'll remember but you'll remember it wrongly and you don't even know remember it wrongly.Because our brain is expert at producing memory and also believe it.You don't need to think about your memory because you can't find it true.You'd better stick with your meds and do not try to remember your memory,because you can't,and if you can,it may be changed anyway.

And suicide part?What for?I know you have thought times but we all do.Some people have way bigger problems than your's but they still try to solve them.I always think that we all gonna die,and we have only one chance for living,so why hurry?

[emorym]

from what you have put in your blog....you are really no different than any other person that has OCD and bizarre thoughts. that is part of it....if you can't remember it...then how did you know it didn't happen? dealing with the uncertainty is the hardest part of overcoming obsessions. I'm going through one of the obsessions where i feel like i've done something wrong against my wife with one of my female co-workers. even though i have moments where i know it's not true.....i can't shake the feeling and convince myself of it. one thing is for sure.......you are not a bad person...and you have just as much importance and right to live as anyone else on the planet. You suffer from OCD....and it is hell at times.....i know this. hang in there....reply to this response if you want. we are all here for you. OCD may be the toughest disorder on the planet....but there are many successes with it. The brain is such a powerful organ....i think of OCD as being a disorder where the brain turns on itself and tries to destroy you. hang in there....the guilt, anxiety, need for assurance, confessing, ruminating over the same thoughts.....it's all ocd, and nothing else.

[Ramis]

Sparkle,

Please remember that you're not alone and that your ocd is no different from ours. I also had a breakdown and in that time we ask ourselves "why?" "why I can't get better, why these thoughts again" and we start making again that "What if" questions, but remember that you already faced that problem, you already know that its you're OCD, you already know that seaking for reassurance its a pain in the arse and most important you already know that you can get better.

Don't give up please. Are you on meds? I'm will start again my medication because I know it can help me. It doesn't do all the job but it helps.

[Sparkle]

Hi,

thank you for your kind replies!! It helps me a lot!
Sometimes I really think that my OCD is different from yours or that it´s not my OCD but me in denial.
For example, I only have this memory problems. Some years ago it was only the worry, that I might have knocked someone down with my car or that I might have killed an animal by accident.
Later my OCD got better for about 2 years and then it started again and later I had that breakdown where this false memories came up.
What worries me so much is, when the cat memory came up I immediately thought "Omg...you did this!", but when I found out later, that the picture in my had must be false and I was relaxed for a short time.
And when the "memory" came back I immediately thought "what if it happened so and so..." and then a new picture came into my head. And although I knew at first I must have created this picture, I wasn´t sure some minutes later if it wasn´t a real memory which just came back to me. I couldn´t differentiate between creating pictures and memories coming back. And therefore I couldn´t and still cannot differentiate between memories and false memories.
And I don´t have this feeling which most of you have. This "I know this is just my OCD, but maybe it´s not...?". For me it is "I think I have done this, but hopefully this is just my OCD...?" And this kills me!!
I had one memory which I could dismiss and some other memories where I still don´t know, if it´s OCD or not...but I don´t care anymore. But this cat memory is really killing me!!

And I don´t have this "What if I will do this or that"-fear or this "what if I´m gay"-fear...and I never had. I only had/have this washing, checking and "what if I have done"-fear. Therefore I sometimes think I don´t really have OCD. And I´m so frightened that I have done something I can never make amends for. That I have done something everybody will hate me for. That the society will cast me out if they find out. That everybody wants to see me dead, becaue nobody will forgive me. That I´m not worth to live anymore.

[lasthope]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

Hi,

thank you for your kind replies!! It helps me a lot!
Sometimes I really think that my OCD is different from yours or that it´s not my OCD but me in denial.
For example, I only have this memory problems. Some years ago it was only the worry, that I might have knocked someone down with my car or that I might have killed an animal by accident.
Later my OCD got better for about 2 years and then it started again and later I had that breakdown where this false memories came up.
What worries me so much is, when the cat memory came up I immediately thought "Omg...you did this!", but when I found out later, that the picture in my had must be false and I was relaxed for a short time.
And when the "memory" came back I immediately thought "what if it happened so and so..." and then a new picture came into my head. And although I knew at first I must have created this picture, I wasn´t sure some minutes later if it wasn´t a real memory which just came back to me. I couldn´t differentiate between creating pictures and memories coming back. And therefore I couldn´t and still cannot differentiate between memories and false memories.
And I don´t have this feeling which most of you have. This "I know this is just my OCD, but maybe it´s not...?". For me it is "I think I have done this, but hopefully this is just my OCD...?" And this kills me!!
I had one memory which I could dismiss and some other memories where I still don´t know, if it´s OCD or not...but I don´t care anymore. But this cat memory is really killing me!!

And I don´t have this "What if I will do this or that"-fear or this "what if I´m gay"-fear...and I never had. I only had/have this washing, checking and "what if I have done"-fear. Therefore I sometimes think I don´t really have OCD. And I´m so frightened that I have done something I can never make amends for. That I have done something everybody will hate me for. That the society will cast me out if they find out. That everybody wants to see me dead, becaue nobody will forgive me. That I´m not worth to live anymore.

If you can take the fear out of this obsession your memory will come clear, you need to stop analysing your thoughts, it is the fear that is blocking you from thinking straight. I suffer from a similar problem however I fear Ive done it to a person and my memory is messed up I often have immense feeling that Ive done it and im hoping that I havent done it but Ive had it before and reassurance got me through and that is also what got me back here. The thing is obviously you cant seek reassurance from the cat, I cant in my situation. But what I have found is that if you stop dwelling (as much as u can) let your mind settle. And dont delve into your memory, as your memory is distorted, you cannot trust your memory as of now. So instead of focusing on that you need to focus on the surface, there will be a part of you that wants to analyse the memory but it is only till you try and perfect your thoughts that you feel you've done it. On the surface however you will not remember details until you TRY to because those details didn't happen. After a while it will become clear that what you were thinking was an irrational fear caused by not having 100% certainty. Now its all fine and dandy saying this but I know myself it aint easy. Im doing alot better tho with this philosophy, you may as well try it, your current process isnt working. It is always darkest before the dawn.

[Sparkle]

Hey lasthope,

thank you very much. It was very interesting what you’ve written. I also noticed that, when it comes to my “memories” these pictures often say I did this or that. But when I question myself WHEN it happened, WHAT exactly happened, how I felt and what I did before or later… there is nothing. The details are all missing.
Nevertheless there is this nagging feeling inside of me that I did what I fear. That I’ve suppressed it for a long time and now I have to deal with it. And then there is this inner feeling, that it is my duty to commit suicide because otherwise nobody would ever forgive me what I have done. Do you understand that? I don’t know why I am feeling this way.
But I have to be 100% certain that I didn’t do it. But I’m not. When it comes to this thought I cannot think clearly. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know if I feel that this thought is not real or if I feel it is real. And I don’t know anymore how it feels, when something feels real…hmmm I don’t know if you understand what I am trying to say. It’s completely wischiwaschi.
Like other people on this forum you advised me, not to go into this thought, to ignore it. But I often think I don’t deserve to ignore it, because I have to deal with what I have done and that I deserve to suffer. Let us assume I were a criminal who has intentionally killed another person. I served my sentence but later I were bothered by massive feelings of guilt and I would start to see a therapist. I bet the therapist would say exactly the same to me: don’t go into that thought and try to concentrate on something else. And later I would forget what I have done or it just wouldn’t bother me anymore.
Then I don’t know where the difference is? I need this certainty, that whatever I fear didn´t happen. Otherwise it will hound me for the rest of my life I think and I will never be happy again and live a normal life.

Thank you very much!

[Zorro]

Hi Sparkle. I remember your fear of the cat from a while ago. I also know you have been part of this thread here:http://www.stuckinadoorway.org/forum...ad.php?t=28840

As I was reading in a book the other day, accepting the possibility of things does not make you a bad person.

You really do though need to stop trying to gain 100% proof of things. You are just making things worse for yourself.

You definately deserve to live. Please don't try suicide. It's totally unecessary. You can get yourself better. Here is a song that helps people: (It's called "Rise Above This" by Seether.) Apparently youtube now requires you to sign in to listen to songs.

[lasthope]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

Hey lasthope,

thank you very much. It was very interesting what you’ve written. I also noticed that, when it comes to my “memories” these pictures often say I did this or that. But when I question myself WHEN it happened, WHAT exactly happened, how I felt and what I did before or later… there is nothing. The details are all missing.
Nevertheless there is this nagging feeling inside of me that I did what I fear. That I’ve suppressed it for a long time and now I have to deal with it. And then there is this inner feeling, that it is my duty to commit suicide because otherwise nobody would ever forgive me what I have done. Do you understand that? I don’t know why I am feeling this way.
But I have to be 100% certain that I didn’t do it. But I’m not. When it comes to this thought I cannot think clearly. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know if I feel that this thought is not real or if I feel it is real. And I don’t know anymore how it feels, when something feels real…hmmm I don’t know if you understand what I am trying to say. It’s completely wischiwaschi.
Like other people on this forum you advised me, not to go into this thought, to ignore it. But I often think I don’t deserve to ignore it, because I have to deal with what I have done and that I deserve to suffer. Let us assume I were a criminal who has intentionally killed another person. I served my sentence but later I were bothered by massive feelings of guilt and I would start to see a therapist. I bet the therapist would say exactly the same to me: don’t go into that thought and try to concentrate on something else. And later I would forget what I have done or it just wouldn’t bother me anymore.
Then I don’t know where the difference is? I need this certainty, that whatever I fear didn´t happen. Otherwise it will hound me for the rest of my life I think and I will never be happy again and live a normal life.

Thank you very much!

Its no problem, yeh I do understand. And it is awful, and I myself have been suicidal, I dont know anymore. It haunts me all the time. Its very difficult to explain. But just know that life can be good. Dont let this ruin you. Your a good person and can contribute to the world in a good way. Its not easy but your being too hard on yourself. You do deserve to ignore it, you owe it to the people around you to ignore it. By not doing this you are hurting them as much as it would if you'd done the thought because your lifes slippin away, as is mine in march it will be a year on and off ive dwelled on this obsession. I know its not easy, just keep moving forward and all will reveal itself at the time that you least expect when it no longer means anything. JL that song is brilliant! definately added to my playlist.

God bless, Sparkle. Keep your head up.

This is also a great song relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdgCajndgNw

[Sparkle]

Hey guys, thank you so much for your support. This means a lot to me. Just watched the songs on youtube. They really made me happy somehow.